#incorrect nightwing

[cardinalcheerio]

Tim: Hey dick?

Dick: yeah?

Tim: Sooo... if someone were to hypothetically steal a sculpture called "The Hand". Would they call the heist, "The Hand Job"?

Dick *grinning and searching sculptures*: be a worse crime not to name it that

[incorrect-waynemanor]

duke: i have to tell you something

dick: what

duke: i killed somebody once...

dick: me too

duke, laughing: APRIL 1

dick: july 18

[jasonsthunderthighs]

Jason: Speakin of money, how bout the 20$ you owe me?

Tim: Oh yea. Well, I only have 10$. *Takes out a 10$ bill, handin it to Jason*  So, here's 10$. I owe you 10$.

Jason: Thanks.

Dick: Hey. You owe me 20$.

Jason: Well, here's 10$ and I owe you 10$. *Hands the bill to Dick*

Tim: Ah, ah. You owe me 20$.

Dick: Here's 10$, I owe you 10$. *Gives the bill back to Tim*

Tim: Here's the 10$ I owe you. *Gives the bill to Jason*

Jason: Here's the 10$ I owe you. *Gives the bill to Dick*

Dick: Here's the 10$ I owe you. *Gives the bill back to Tim*

Tim: Good! Now we're all even! *Pockets the bill*

[ryemiffie]

More quotes from my day as batfam quotes for yours:

Spoiler: Nightwing, it is clear that you are the best option for this job.

Nightwing: Cause I can look the coolest?

Spoiler: No cause you can look the sluttiest.

Red Hood: I resent that!

[ambriel-angstwitch]

Dick: I put the ✨ Disco ✨ in Disconnecting from reality.

Jason: Is that the origin of that horrid outfit?

Dick: I was going through something ok!

[hopefully-helpful-daemon]

Jason, just getting up: why does it smell like fried chicken out here?

Tim: Dick made eggs, which is technically fried chicken.

[bluejay-the-geek]

Bad Thoughts

*Tim got hit with fear gas* Tim, sobbing: Dick I'm gonna die! Dick: You're not going to die, Tim! It's just this dumb drug! Tim: I DON'T WANNA DIE A ROBIN! Dick: You're not gonna die it's just fear gas! Tim, swaying back and forth: Bad thoughts... Bad thoughts... Dick: Ok, ok so try... Dick: Try to not think about them! Just try to not think about them. Tim: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT THINK ABOUT MY THOUGHTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

[incorrect-dc-qoutes]

Jason: You guys worried about Dick? Steph: Totally! Tim: Yeah, they called me in the middle of the night and just yelled, "what do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do?" Jason: And what'd you say? Tim: "I dunno, I dunno, I dunno, I dunno." Steph: Jason: They're lucky to have you as a friend.

[demonicsuffrage]

Bruce has a strict 'no metas/powers (except duke) allowed in Gotham' policy in place but it has a clause, BYOR (Bring Your Own Robin)

No one is allowed entry untill and unless they can produce their very own certified robin-shaped identity card

Whenever someone with even a hint of supernatural powers in them arrives at Gotham, they're first met with Bruce standing at the city border with a notepad in hand

Bruce: State your name and purpose.

Kon: Kon-el, here to hangout!

Bruce: Your Robin?

Kon, flourishing Tim from behind him: Ta-Da!

Tim, waves: Hey Bruce

Bruce: Approved, you may enter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Name and purpose?

Hal: Here to investigate a case, Hal Jordan

Bruce: Your Robin?

Hal: I.... don't have one?

Bruce: Denied

Hal: What?! But-

Bruce: Denied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Yes, Wally, where's your robin?

Wally: Oh shit lemme just- *zaps away and returns with Dick, who was in the midst of brushing his teeth, in a bridal carry*- Here!

Bruce, grumbling a little: Fine. Approved.

Dick: You gotta stop using me as a key already, man

Wally: Blame Bruce.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Name and purpose?

Clark: Clark Kent, here for our monthly barbecue

Bruce: Robin?

Clark, producing an actual robin bird: Does this count?

Bruce:.....yes

[cardinalcheerio]

Dick: Hey Jay, what do you want for your birthday?

Jason: the jokers head.

Dick:...

Jason:...

Dick:...

Jason:... the limited edition Jane austen book collection would be cool too.

[incorrect-waynemanor]

dick: so, i got banned from jason’s safehouse because i’m apparently a “liability” and “reckless” and “dick”

dick: that last one’s just my name, but you should hear it the way jason says it

[jasonsthunderthighs]

Dick: And what do we say when somebody does somethin randomly nice for us?

Jason: You're bein nice to me. What do you want?

Dick: Or.. We just say “thank you”.

Jason: Awe.. Thank you for bein nice to me.

Dick: Yess!

Jason: Now what do you want?

Dick: No..

[ryemiffie]

Quotes from my day as batfam incorrect quotes!

-After a fight between Bruce and Dick-

Bruce: What the hell are you doing up there?!

Dick, atop the grand chandelier: I left a tootsie roll up here 12 years ago and I want it back!

Bruce: You broke into the manor just for that?! You could literally just buy a whole new bag of tootsie rolls!

Dick: That's not the point, it's the principle!

[confused-wanderer]

Nightwing: I wish I was an only child again..

Red Hood: and I wish I was dead again..

Nightwing *looks at him*

Red Hood *preparing to be scolded*

Nightwing:

Red hood:

Nightwing:

Nightwing *quietly*: damn never mind forgot I had more siblings *walks away*

Red Hood:

Red Hood: Was he- were you actually considering killing me-

[notrobinsomethingworse]

Damian: I quit Robin.

Tim: You can do that???

Jason: First I’m hearing about it.

Dick: Aww Dami what superhero name have you picked now?

Damian: I will become a doctor.

Dick: …

Dick: YOU CAN DO THAT??

Jason: You’ve done it brat. You’ve escaped.

Tim, still muttering: You can quit Robin? How long has it been?

[everwalldigan]

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.